Hold My Wine

Since I was a tot, I’ve been competitive; living with this nagging feeling that I need to prove myself. I don’t know exactly why or where it comes from… Actually, I do. I grew up with three brothers, and they were always better than me at everything. We were all very active children who played hard. I was never as fast or strong or capable or clever as they were. They beat me at everything, and the sibling rivalry was real, so every win came with a gloat parade. It would irritate me to no end, but as a young girl who spent most of my time at dance class, I simply wasn’t as athletic or academically inclined.

As I transitioned into adulthood, this irritation festered and developed into an anger that unknowingly would fuel me for years to come. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, but I did know that I didn’t want my ignorance or anyone else to dictate it for me. The only thing I hate more than being told what to do is feeling stupid. I vividly remember times when I would listen in on the older men at work having heated, heavy discussions about current events. I’d stand off in the corner, disengaged, mentally noting the topics and any words or names I didn’t know. Later that night, when I was in the safety and comfort of my own room, I would research everything. Instead of scrolling Facebook (showing my age here), I was devouring bios, articles, and the dictionary. At one point, I downloaded the dictionary.com app and set the notifications to wake me up with a word of the day every day. I would study the definition and then make a point to use the word every chance got.

After my brief eves-dropping phase, I turned to books. I’ve made a mission of discovering what successful people are reading and why. If it would even remotely apply to me or what I want to do, add to cart. Sometimes I’m juggling four and five books at a time. I also love a good Ted Talk. And I never turn down an educational podcast. Tim Ferriss and I might as well be in a relationship. I enjoy learning and exploring new ways to grow as a person, but my favorite part is the application process. No longer of age to compete in childish games with my brothers, I’ve spent most of my adult life competing with myself.

I like to think it’s healthy, this competition I have with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I still shit-talk with the best of them, but it’s all in my head; until it’s not, and the guy next to me in line at Target that just heard me say, “Momma didn’t raise no bitch”, is looking at me very confused. I just get a kick out of impressing myself. Once I’ve overcome an obstacle, whether it be one bestowed upon me by life or one I choose, I pick up something else. It’s my way of always moving forward. Some people collect coffee mugs. I collect interesting skills and cool cuts and bruises.

Lately, my inner shit-talk has been challenging my brain. I’ve battled and overcome so many things that have made me mentally stronger. Now, I want to see what else I’m capable of. Although, I just ended a sentence with a preposition, so it might not be much, but we’re about to find out. Shit, another one. Whenever I get geared up to throw down, I tap into my southern roots and pump myself up with a good yeehaw. My inner idiot is one wild son of a gun. My next project is to focus on successfully running a business and making a difference in the world. Even if it’s just by empowering others to laugh at themselves for being big ole dummies just like me. I don’t know exactly how this is all going to unfold quite yet, but I do know in my molten hot lava core that it’s going to be kick ass. 

This is the part where I’m supposed to say, “Hold My Beer”, and then you watch me do something crazy, but I don’t really drink beer anymore so… Hold My Wine.