If You're Going to Piss Them Off, Piss Them Off Good.

I’ve been living by this mantra lately. In the last year, I have stepped out of my comfort zone (habitually people pleasing) and into the zone I’ve always wanted to exist. In this zone: I’m trying all the things I’ve been too scared to try, I’m doing whatever the fuck I want to do, and I’m living according to my own set of standards.

It's been scary, no doubt, and I’ve struggled more than I’ve ever struggled before, yet somehow… I’m happier with myself than I’ve ever been. I still have my bouts with depression, but overall, I’m pretty impressed with myself. There's definitely a long way to go. This adventure inevitably began with me tearing down everything I knew in order to start rebuilding.

For years, I’ve been hyper aware that a drastic change in my life was very necessary if I wanted it to turn out the way I’ve always imagined. My idea of success doesn’t revolve around money or not having to work all the time (although, I intend to experience both of those). Success for me is a feeling. I want to feel good about myself and enjoy my life. I want to work, but I want to do my version of work. I don’t want to feel like if I don’t produce to a certain standard, my life will crumble. And for as long as I can remember, I’ve been spinning my wheels, chasing that feeling, making absolutely no progress toward my goal.

I put myself in a box a really long time ago. I’ve struggled with a warped sense of self: “This is who I am. This makes people like me. This is what I do. And I need to stay right here, or everyone will be mad at me.” We all find ourselves in this position at times, if we’re paying attention. We all suffer with some sort of fear of judgement, whether it be big or small. It’s the foundation of society. Fear of being outcasted is what keeps us in line. That’s not to say that a little fear isn’t healthy. It shapes our morals and forms our bonds, but sometimes, eventually… you realize you’re in the wrong line.

It can be a hard pill to swallow. A fresh start always seems good in theory, but when you’ve got baggage like a mother trucker, it’s super difficult and ultra frustrating. Making moves always comes with a bit of unpacking, and boy, have I unpacked. Shout out to my therapist. I've had to unravel my past bit by bit. I’ve had to un-tell every lie I’ve ever told myself. I’ve had to take a hard look in the mirror to try to figure out who I really am. And I’m still working on it.

What I do know is that I cannot and will not continue to live the way that I have up to this point. I am a loving, caring, respectful human being who abides by the law and pays taxes. That being said, I’ve learned that if someone is uncomfortable with the way I am conducting my life (especially if it’s someone that knew “the old me”) then I’m probably doing something right. I am the same person I have always been, but I am evolving.

Through this process, I’ve also learned that the version of myself I’m living as now will continue to change for years to come. Change is good. You should change. To all the people whose yearbook I signed, “Don’t ever change”, I was wrong! I take it back. Please change. I hope your application of deodorant has become more regular.

Anywho…

We’ve all heard the words of encouragement, “Don’t half-ass it.” Amen to that. Here’s my two cents. Change. Evolve into something better, happier, and stronger than you’ve ever been and don’t ever stop. If you’re going to piss them off, piss them off good. And if they turn their back on you because of it, they did you a favor.

~XOXO, Stevie